The Choice is Yours…

Know your worth!

The best revenge is to have enough self-worth not to seek it. ~Author Unknown

Let Fear and Doubt Depart from here…

I got into work this morning and I started my normal morning routine of checking e-mails and listening to inspirational music to set the foundation of my day.  The Fred Hammond channel on Pandora always puts me in the immediate attitude gratitude, and that is what centers me for the day.  As I was checking my e-mails I hear these words; “Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”  I immediately checked to see what song was on (Marvin Sapp “Lord Send Your Anointing”) all while my attitude of gratitude immediately shifted to an attitude of praise.   You haven’t seen me on here in a while because my family has really been faced with a lot of “tests” but one thing I know for sure is that our faith in God has never faltered.  We are often faced with tests that push you farther than you could ever imagine.   We question the pain, the challenges, the hurt, and even our faith.  My Daddy was diagnosed with sinus cancer and our foundation was shook.  We celebrated my mother being cancer free and recovering greatly from her triple bypass and here we are again dealing with yet another cancer diagnosis.  I remember hearing him tell me that he would go through chemotherapy and radiation to aggressively and prayerfully kill the cancer.  My heart sank… why is this happening to my parents?  My parents are not perfect but they are the best parents I could ever ask for and they’re always there for me no matter what.  Again why is this happening… again?   I was shocked for a while and decided to call my brother and try to calm down and make sense of what’s going on and why.  My brother simply said “pray and stay positive because that’s all we can do in times like this, we’ve been through this before and we’ll get through it again”.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

Fast forward a few months and we find out my dad is in the hospital and although he’s not looking good my mother is by his side with a Bible in hand and reading to him.  That’s all my dad requested is for people not to visit him looking sad and to read the Bible.  He told my mom “It looks like it’s your turn to take care of me now”.  I came home to check on him weeks later and dealt with the initial shock of his weight loss but kept a smile on my face because in times where he thought about quitting, I wanted to be a reminder of what he’s fighting for.  I remember going with him for his radiation and watched him lay on base of the machine, put his feet up and watch the doctor put a block under the bends of his knees, then given ropes that he held and wrapped around his wrists a few times to hold his shoulders down, finally they put a mask over his face that forced his chin to stay up and in the perfect position to receive the treatment.  The mask was the hardest thing to see.  They clamped the mask down and I could literally see his skin and hair go through the holes because it was so tight and his breath became shallow.  I stepped out with the doctor and watched him go through the radiation from a monitor and talked to the doctor about the position my father was in.  He said “Being in an uncomfortable position for a few minutes is by far worth it if  it keeps him here with us longer…”

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

Daddy’s not eating; the side effects from radiation and chemo have caused him to lose his hair, sense of smell, sense of taste, and saliva.  Nothing tastes the same and if he tried to eat something, he would always have to keep a bottle of water with him in order to be able to swallow the food.  It’s hard for us to imagine this mainly because when we eat we never notice that we need the saliva to get the food down.  The doctors decide to put Daddy on a feeding tube to offset the rapid weight loss.  Although daddy didn’t lose all his hair at the time, he wanted to shave it off.  I called my brother Larry who is a Master barber/Owner of Larry’s Barber College/Musician, but to me he’s like a brother.  I remember growing up and getting so happy when Larry came over to see my brother because he was always so kind and giving.  He’s the same today; he went to my parents’ house and gave my Daddy a haircut to where you couldn’t tell where his patches were.   Larry sent me a picture and all I could do was cry, in the midst of Daddy’s rough patch Larry did something for him that meant more to him than any of us will ever know.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

I get a call that my brother has a huge tumor in the back of his neck and they are going to have a series of surgeries to remove it and test to see if it’s cancerous.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

My brothers surgeries goes well and we find out that the tumor is not cancerous.  He immediately heads back on tour and I have my sister Ozzy lay eyes on him when he stops in NY so I know he’s okay and recovering.  She sends me a pic and I can’t help but smile. I come home for Thanksgiving with feelings of happiness to see my family, fear to see my daddy, and a little hurt to cook food that he may not be able to have.  Daddy’s even smaller than I saw him last and his color is a little off but I learn that he is now able to smell a little and some taste buds are coming back.  He can try food but it has to be soft.  I cook for the family and make him a special plate.  The look on his face when he realized that what used to taste like cardboard now has flavor was nothing short of a blessing.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

My Brother and I make plans to come home for Christmas and he plans to stay for a month to be with Mom and Dad.  I get a call from my Daddy letting me know that he went to the Oncologist and they said there are no signs of cancer and he had to tell me!  He swore me to secrecy and I held off from talking to my brother for next two days since he would be home and Daddy wanted to tell him face to face.   We enjoyed being home and had the best time ever with family and friends and the celebration of hearing the words again, this time for my Daddy; “Cancer Free”.  The road to rehabilitation begins.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

My cousin has been battling cancer for years and they put her in hospice care. I call to check in daily to see if I can talk to her but she’s weak, and tired.  I later find out that she won’t be able to talk again.  I call my brother to calm down and pray…

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

On my morning commute I get a phone call to learn that my other little cousin has fought the good fight and he passed away. Overwhelmed with the information I go into my sorority sisters office sobbing.  She literally spoke calm to my spirit and prayed my trembling hands still.  Tiffany your words still resonate with me to this day.  Thank You.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

My cousin is removed from hospice care and is at home. Wheelchair bound but here.   I learn that she can talk and noticed that she’s on Facebook (she hasn’t been on for almost a year) and send a chat message to see if it’s her. I tell her I love her and I’m going to call her as soon as I get off of work.  I call and on the other end I hear “Hello”.   Let me tell you she is a true testimony of God having the final say! She’s been written off so many times but she’s still here fighting and keeping God at the head of this battle.  It is hard for the human mind to conceptualize what she’s endured the past few years and yet she’s still here.  Her testimony is truly one for the books.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

My body overheats and sends warning signals for water and food.  Next thing I know everything goes black, I’m alert but can’t physically see I began to freak out with the thought that I live alone and if I pass out it would be days before I was found.  I push through the fear and crawl to the fridge and grab what turns out to be apple sauce. I literally eat it with my fingers, my vision is now blurred and I’m dizzy but I make out the silhouette of a water bottle and drink.  My vision is better I call my Line Sister for help and I make it to the couch balled up with excruciating stomach cramps.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace here within place…”

My Line Sister alerts the Sorors and they take shifts checking on me. The Sorors with medical backgrounds check my vitals, ask questions, and bring food and more water.  I later go to the Doctor to find out that I had a bad reaction to Birth Control.  This sets me out for weeks on pain pills, painful cramps greeted by the wrath of “Aunt Flo”, sleeping due to the medicine, and a series of weekly tests .  Thank you to my Beautiful Leavenworth Alumnae Chapter Sorors for enduring my stubbornness to eat because of the pain, and checking on me while I recovered. I attempt to come back to work after going a day feeling almost back to normal and end up back at home.  Although I felt like I was better, I freaked out my co-workers and students who notice my skin color is grayish and dull, and I don’t look like the vibrant LaShaundra they’ve come to know.  Wearing the mask of a smile doesn’t always work. I head back home for three more days.

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

I get better and stronger by the day; my family is also doing well on their own roads to recovery.  They removed my daddy’s feeding tube and although he had a setback that got him down to a size 30 in the waist, he’s finally starting to gain some weight.  I went home a few weeks ago and he was literally skin and bones, I could feel his hip bone and ribs.  Although it was hard to recognize him at first his smile was something that was constant.  My mom and dad go to the gym daily getting stronger, and they still look at each other like they were teenagers.  They have date nights, go on trips, and joke around.  Their love has been constant and I love that it never gets old and they still have a sparkle in their eye when they see or talk about each other.  Gotta love their love!

So how does this happen?  How is it that my family can deal with so much?  How can I go to work each day and suppress the pain with the mask of a smile?  How can I push through my Doctoral program and suppress the feelings to quit and go home?

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

There is no greater test than life itself. The one thing I know for sure is that when you’re rooted in your purpose and your foundation is strong you can withstand any trial that comes your way. My mom is currently dealing with something that like everything else we will face head on with a smile on our face, armored with the word of God, and declaring victory.  This can only be done by saying:

“Let fear and doubt depart from here. Send peace; send grace within this place…”

Showing Feelings

Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. -Benjamin Disraeli

Joplin in 2

I received a phone call from my organization minuets after the news flashed “Disaster in Joplin, MO”.   It was from my brothers and sisters who called me in on a conference call letting me know we needed to be of service starting the day after the storm.    This is why I love  being a part of an organization dedicated to service; we do it because we want to not because we have to.   The schedule was set for the next 2 weeks in a matter of an hour and we began communications with our brothers and sisters in Joplin.    I signed up to be there this past weekend and I had no idea what I was in store for, nor did I know the impact it would make on me.  Here’s a brief snippet of my time in Joplin, MO.

Day 1

Upon arriving to meet up with our brothers and sisters, we noticed the devastation immediately.   The pictures that you see on the news, online, newspapers, etc.  cannot compare to what we saw in person.    To know that amidst the rubble stood the remains of homes, places of worship, etc. is truly heart breaking.   We spent the first day meeting with our “family” to see their homes (or lack there of) and provide whatever assistance we could.   We split up into groups and began cleaning up homes.   Going through the rubble looking for things like photos, medical papers, clothes, etc.  became at one point too heavy for me.   It was at that point that I remembered why I was there and how something as little as a picture could bring light to a dark day.   I found a necklace that belonged to my sister’s mom and it brought her to tears.  She told me that her mom gave her that necklace the day of her wedding as “something old” and unfortunately her mother did not survive this storm.  All I could do is console my sister and be her strength during this time.   It was at that time that I realized that it was no accident that I found that necklace and it provided her with the light she needed.  Later on that day we changed clothes and headed to the funeral home to be of assistance.  This part is truly to heavy to talk or blog about…   

Day 2

We stayed with a host family and got up at 5am and started cooking breakfast with my sisters for everyone in the house.  We were all there smiling, laughing, and enjoying each others company.   How good and pleasant that was!  After breakfast, we headed back out passing out donations, and I had the pleasure of heading back to the host house to be with the children.  Being a former head teacher of a day care and a trained child advocated at a women’s shelter for abused and battered women gave me all the experience I needed.   I gathered the children around me and began talking to them asking then how they were feeling and one thing they were grateful for.    The stories will remain between us but it showed me why people say “Out of the mouths of babes…”.   During nap time I began singing “Smile” by Kirk Franklin.  As I was going up to them I noticed some of them were crying.    These children are so young, I never thought it would only bring out the emotion of smile.  That proved not true but I continued to sing the song and smile.   One little girl began clapping her hands and smiling and the rest followed suit.   By the end of the song every single one of them had a smile on their face even in their sleep!    While they slept, a few volunteers started preparing an early dinner since majority of the people in the house were going to the memorial service.  During dinner we all stood around the room and held hands and reflected on the past 2 days and the importance of being a part of an organization that shines bright in times like this.  It was the constant reminder for us why we joined.    After dinner I started packing my bags and loading up the car, still thoughtful on my time here.   Here’s a few things I know for sure:

1. There’s a blessing in the storm.

2. Smile…

3. You can lose everything but the one thing that remains and keeps you going is LOVE.

That’s all for now beautiful people!  I’ll leave you with the song I sung to the children, and remember “you look so much better when you smile”   http://youtu.be/Z8SPwT3nQZ8

Matters of the Heart

I may not have hands to hold my wife’s hands, but when the time comes… I’ll be able to hold her heart.  I don’t need hands to hold her heart. – Nick Vujicic

Stumbleupon.com

This morning one of the Grad Assistants in the office showed me a website called Stumble Upon and claimed that it was better than youtube!  As a lover of youtube, I didn’t believe her but decided to join to give it a try.  Basically this website is similar to youtube, but Stumble Upon provides you with web sites based on your personal interest and preferences!   I have only been on this site for 20 minuets and I must admit, I’m hooked!  I’ve stumbled upon beautiful artwork, quotes, and great videos!  I strongly encourage you to go to this webpage and join in the fun.   Once you do leave a comment and let me know what you think about this site.

Looking Graduation in the Eye

*Posted 1/31/07

Wow… has it been 2 years already?   I can’t believe how fast and how tumultuous this road has been.   I never thought i would make it to college, let alone graduate and here i am getting my Masters!!!!   The road to my M.A. was tough and I learned how to step out on faith.  When I was interviewing for graduate assistantships (a way to get you Masters for free!) I was also working for the state.  Needless to say, getting days off weren’t so easy.   I was challenged and told by my boss at the time that if i took that day off i would be putting my job in jeopardy.  I simply told her “That a risk I’m willing to take…”   What was I thinking?  I can’t lose my job… and if i take this day off and don’t get the assistantship i will be out of that and my job.  I remember talking it over with my parents and they simply said do what makes you happy and that i never step out on faith… “LaShaundra take a chance for a change… trust God”  I did just that I put in my 2 week notice before I even had my interview.  I was a mess during that time with fears that anyone in my shoes would have.  I remember the day of the assistantship interview so clear… I woke up with extreme confidence and walked into that office knowing that I was going to get the job.  When the interview was over I left the office smiling cause I knew in my heart I won them over.   I got the call for the job and weeks later I got accepted into my Grad school program.  I will never for get how gracious God was that day. 

Grad school has been tough and I tell people all the time that when I graduate I will be more emotional, prouder, and humble.   I earned this!   In undergrad you have your easy A classes and some classes where you can BS right on through… i know I did that at times.  But with your Masters its work… HARD WORK!  Papers, presentations, readings, projects, research, traveling, discussions, etc.  and although it may sound easy to some let me give you an example of one of my classes:
                    I had a three-week summer school class and we had to do a 60 page paper, read almost the entire textbook that was 500 pages in small print, a group project to explain the theories, on top of internet and class room assignments… mind you this was to be done in three weeks!!!!

Its been a hard road but well deserved… I worked my ass off and its paid off.  I always have to thank those of you who may be reading this and not truly wanting to see me succeed ( I know who you girls are)  Thank you… you all are my motivation and will continue to be as I move up the ladder and better myself you will be nowhere because you lost your drive and focus…  There will always be people in your life to help you realize how good you truly are cause you’re a threat to them… I finally realize why you are the way that you are… you all are threatened by my endless possibilities leading to my success.  If you take all the time, effort, and energy and put it towards your own destiny just imagine how far you would go.  Its time to grow up ladies…

To my loved ones… this Masters is for you.  You helped me through this and you all were so helpful and motivating… even when I had a weak spot that almost made me drop out of school and move back to Chicago you were there to lift me up, to pray for me, to give me that support.  I will never forget you guys that night (after Nathan’s memorial… you know who you are) I realized I wasn’t here alone and that in those times when no one is around God will always be there waiting for us to talk to him.  I know what I’m capable of now and my confidence can sometime get confused with being cocky but I realized after talking to a friend that’s the Executive producer at CNN that I should be proud and talk about my accomplishments… she was so happy for me and told me that some friends are just not in a place where they can be happy with you and you just have to accept that but those friends who are in a good place and are truly happy for you can’t wait for you the pick up the phone and say “Girl I got nominated…”  (thanks Tenisha)

My parents… I could just leave it there and cry… you all are my driving force… The sacrifices you made for me and brother have truly paid off… Kevin is a very  successful musician, producer, songwriter, etc. whose status in the industry is exceeding past what he ever dreamed (pick up that dreamgirls CD or see him in Vegas!) and I’m getting my masters, motivational speaking, head of my Eastern Star Chapter and Youth Group…  Without the sacrifices you made for us to have the lifestyle that we had I can’t say thank you enough and know when I get to the level I want to be at, do know that you two will be well taken care of….

This is a time of transition for me and with that I graduate to another level of maturity, clarity, and self-realization…

I am truly amazing and I shock myself everyday… some of my friends are looking confused cause they know I don’t take well to compliments nor to I really talk about myself in that manner cause its embarrassing to me but day by day I’m getting past that( thanks Rashad for trying to get me to simply say “Thank You” when I receive a compliment…lol)  

Harvey… you have been my strength and my laughter when it seems like no one else cares.  We are going to get through your storm together… I would never turn my back on you.  Now let’s get your photos online so the world can see your emotion and watch how fast your empire will grow… stay focused and motivated!

To those of you who are reading this just know that I am proof that hard work and being  able to humble myself when necessary has paid off.  Yes I’m vocal, strong, smart, spiritual, no-nonsense, charismatic… so forth and so on… but those qualities and you have contributed to where I am today.  Seize the day and never underestimate your worth… you might surprise yourself!  I know I did…